Week Two of Emergency Office Dolly:

Doing a bit of stomping around today. The flesh around my eyes feels like it’s vibrating and I am concerned that by the end of this office stint – is there an end? – I am going to resemble Kaa from The Jungle Book trying to hypnotise the world to sleep, eyes swirling and bulging as I slither around the office trying my damnedest to remain upright and not suddenly wake up curled around the ankles of the CEO. I’m also getting increasingly perturbed that this daily eight hour sentence sucking the life out of a computer screen by my very eyes is not only going to make me resemble said sneaky snake but that big, bulbous, bruised eyes won’t go with my shades-of-yellow Spring wardrobe that I’m hoping I will be able to afford because I’ll have worked in an office for 3 weeks like a normal person.

Given up trying to look powerful today. Wasn’t able to source any shoulder pads so decided to channel Joan Collins, The Dynasty Years, all dark lipstick and Eighties dangly earrings, less ballsy Business woman more I’d rather-eat-your-balls-than-biscuits-with-my-afternoon-tea. I was feeling good about that decision, made whilst slurping my feet-flavoured smoothie at 6am this morning. Until I popped into Waitrose to get my free daily coffee.

Young (ish) girl on till: “Oh, wow, I love your earrings!”

Me (first smile of day): Oh, thanks.

Young (ish) girl: They’re so cool. Where are they from…?

Me: Urrm…dunno…H&M…I’m can’t remem-

Young (ish) bitch: My mum would LOVE them.

Me (chanelling Kaa now): Just give me my free coffee.