You know you’ve had a good night when:

– Your try to open your eyes but your eyelids are cemented together with mascara and you resemble a blind Ancient Greek soothsayer
– You and your partner roll about in the sack, not in a sexual way but like two hot, angry potatoes
– You wake up as if in the desert and nearly wail when there is no water beside the bed. You briefly consider drinking the fluid from your partner’s eyeballs
– You are under the covers but your shoes are still on
– In fact you are fully dressed and your make up has shifted into the face of The Joker
– You have Nutella on your cheeks because you stuck your head in the jar just before bed
– Your eyeballs ache
– You seem to have become seven months pregnant as your stomach has expanded so severely it hurts. You wonder if you agreed to swallow a football for a dare but then realize it was because you eat twelve slices of toast at 4am
– You suddenly have a burst of energy and feel like organising an activity for the day but when you crawl out of bed you remember you have bought a day long ticket for the merry-go-round and you won’t be going anywhere
– You lean on the sink to clean your teeth
– You lean on the wall to get to the sink
– You get your hairbrush tangled in the hanging light switch
– You sit on the loo for 25 minutes despite only needing a wee because it’s nicer than standing up again
– You knock over the cotton buds all over the bathroom floor and picking them up is like playing Pick-A-Stick at Guantanamo Bay. You want to cry but no one will hear you
– Your eyeballs ache
– You have a bruise and a lump the size of a tennis ball on your ankle and you don’t know why
– You wonder why the smell of onions is following you around and then you discover you have burger sauce in your hair
– You walk into the kitchen to find every single glass has traces of toxic substances in them and as you do not have the physical strength to wash up you fill up a cereal bowl with water and take quick delicious gulps from it like a parched cat
– You have also used all the cutlery so have to stir your tea with a potato masher and butter your toast with a whisk
– You usually avoid your partner’s treat drawer but now you nearly pull it off its hinges searching for the last remaining Chomp
– You think you might like to sit on the sofa for a while but you go into the lounge to find the set of ‘This Is England’ and a skinny fella with rotten hair curled up asleep, cuddling your favourite cushion and still clutching a can of Carling. You would get angry but your brain cannot process such complex thoughts. You go back to bed and try to kick your partner who is snoring so loudly you think your head might explode
– You wonder why the room is so hot despite opening every window and door
– Your eyeballs ache
– You soon realize the only thing that you can mentally process is what you are going to eat for the day. You plan your food intake as a midwife would plan a home birth, with great detail, accuracy and medical precision. You even fill in the gaps in between the usual dining times with snacks consisting of mainly dips and Doritos. You plan what you will snack on as you cook and the only thing keeping you alive is the thought of gorging on a roast chicken. This keeps you going throughout the day and your mission is to get to the supermarket and back. There will be several obstacles like the front door, stairs and other people but you know this is something you must overcome and accomplish
– You picture this day of food with the same reverie as a Lost Boy in ‘Hook’ planning their psychosomatic feast
– When you are still in your pyjamas at 6pm and the roast chicken dream is fast fading, your partner suggests getting a Chinese and you think you have never loved them more
– It takes you two and a half hours to decide what you would like from the Chinese but you have kept hunger at bay during these tough decision making hours by consuming several snacks: two cheese and salad cream sandwiches, a family size bag of Kettle chips, two Kit Kat chunkies and some stale lemon drizzle cake. Your partner asks if you are still hungry and you think you might kill them
– Your eyeballs ache
– You declare you really will never drink again this time and you plan your forthcoming detox, knowing in your heart that if someone offers you a crisp glass of white wine after work tomorrow you will wholeheartedly say yes