1. That in every drawer of every receptionist in London there will be, without fail: a nail file, nail varnish, hand cream, Hedex, a bag of raw almonds and a jar of Whole Earth peanut butter. Without fail.

2. That you will quickly master the art of looking busy and productive when anyone is around and when they leave you will return to slouching and painting your nails.

3. That you get repetitive strain injury from holding your finger over the mouse in order to press the off button on Facebook quicker than the speed of light.

4. That you will grow to HATE Facebook, find it dull and tedious and think everyone is stupid, including yourself, but you cannot seem to do anything other than trawl through the homepage for eight hours every day.

5. That men who rule the world are imbeciles. This might be something you already know but it is confirmed when you witness every single Head of every single Corporation fail to understand what it means to PRESS THE GREEN BUTTON TO OPEN THE DOOR, YES IT IS RIGHT BESIDE THE DOOR, YES THAT ONE. NOW PRESS IT, YES, NOW PULL THE DOOR. TOWARDS YOU, YES. WELL DONE. GOODBYE LORD SAINT SIR.

6. That every day you will watch every business person return with a bag of lunch that has cost them at least £20 as you sit and eat your satsuma that you stole from your last temp job.

7. That Pret a Manger’s 99p filter coffee will be your saviour because you can sneak in your own lunch and only spend 99p.

8. That you will get so used to sitting at a swanky desk wearing a suit jacket and looking the part but not actually doing anything other than sitting and mastering the art of sleeping with your eyes open, that when someone actually takes a chance and actually asks you to do an actual job, you will break out into a sweat akin to being told you must jump out of a flying plane.

9. That the “jobs” you may get asked to do will allow you to practice a skill set you never knew you had and you will feel a great sense of achievement and self-progression, such as taking staples out of paper, placing paper into shredder, transferring shredded paper into recycling bag and putting recycling bag into bin area.

10. That there are always two types of biscuit cupboard in every office – one being for the Finest Selection, reserved for client meetings, consisting of hazelnut and orange blossom cantucci and white chocolate and lavender cookies, and then the other, more classic selection consisting of gone-off jaffa cakes and Smart Price custard creams. Either way, you will gradually eat your way through both biscuit cupboards, but only in a sneaky, clandestine fashion, a bit like if Tom Cruise were played by Stuart Little in Mission Impossible.

11. You will also eat your way through the receptionist’s – the one who you are covering – supply of almonds and Whole Foods peanut butter and then worry about it a bit that she might be one of those people who knows exactly how many almonds there are left in the bag. (Like you would).

12. That there are no Men Receptionists. Anywhere. Ever.