Things I’ve Learnt On The Journey So Far:

1. That those exiting Oxford St station at 9am bear the same resemblance as the Chilean miners being freed after the disaster in 2010.

2. That entering Oxford St station at 5pm bears the same resemblance as entering the Gates Of Hell and that is the reason all those Promoters of Religion are handing out their little magazines and smiling hopefully at the stricken throng.

3. That the real reason women wear comfy trainers with their business suit for the commute is so that they can make a quick getaway should they make the clean decision to pummel fellow passengers with their lunch box in order to have enough space to breathe out of their own nostrils.

4. That it is a very affecting experience sitting next to someone on the bus who decides to open up their tupperware containing salt fish stew, and then eating it with their hands.

5. That one is never too seasoned a traveller to not have to hold onto a handrail, and therefore avoid being launched at the bloke in front, hands clawing for help, and unknowingly/knowingly cupping said bloke’s balls as the nearest sturdy aide.

6. That one will never walk down the stairs of the bus gracefully. Ever. Instead, one must prepare oneself to look like a gorilla being steadied from a moving speed boat into a circle of snappy crocodiles.

7. That one’s basic sense of smell will heighten due to locking heads with fellow civilians, and therefore render one an expert in hair products/perfume/fabric conditioner/if they recently had sex/if they drink coffee/if they own a dog/if they like to shower regularly/if they don’t

8. That upon discovering the tube will be three or more minutes away, one will react in the same manner as discovering one’s house has burnt to the ground.

9. That wearing fur on the bus or tube is never a good idea and will just make one feel conspicuous, like one has escaped from the zoo and any moment the keeper will appear with a net.

10. That no matter how clean/polished/glamorous/geared up/tanked up/fresh/lively/happy one feels when one sets off at the start of the ride, at the end one will always feel mucky/violated/jaded/repulsive/perverted/knackered/suspicious/sober/depressed/ready for bed.